Hey Darwin. Bad news. I have uncovered irrefutable evidence that the theories of evolution, natural selection and adaptation are all a load of poop. It is summed up in this one, simple fact. Women still get PMS.
I think Mother Nature was suffering from this monthly plague when she said, “Ladies. Gals. GF’s. I was feeling bad about giving you the wrong end of the reproduction-stick, what with that whole pregnancy/labour/birth/ breastfeeding racket. So I thought as a reward, if you will, for all of the time you are not experiencing any of the aforementioned gifts, you can suffer the worst 24-48 hours EVER. Then, as a pretty little bow on top, it will be followed by another torturous event…your period.”
Thanks Mother Nature. I can think of a better name for you…keep the Mother part, we’ll just change the second half to something more fitting.
So I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been around a few extra gals lately or what, but I got a doozy of a dose this time around. Either that or everyone in the world just decided simultaneously to be unbearably annoying and inanimate objects all began to transform into brownies or the like. I am not kidding…I ate 7 huge cookies…IN A ROW! And don’t mistake my sharing that fact as an admission of guilt. I find that fact to be mildly impressive. You go girl.
Anyway, as I was watching Chris scramble to avoid the lasers shooting from my eyes, I thought, someone should write a guide for guys, detailing how to rescue their distressed damsels. Plus, that desperation in their eyes, searching the depths of their masculine souls to do or say the right thing…is sooo annoying!
So I came up with this little list to help the brothers out.
The minute your lovely lady indicates that she’s feeling ugly, spring into action.
If she notices a break-out, feels fat or her clothes “just don’t feel right,” hear it as an air-raid siren. Sure, it could be nothing. But it could also mean that the bombs may be falling…and soon. The only difference is that instead of cowering in the nearest doorway or under your desk, you can take these hide-saving precautions.
- Run to the dryer and check for any pairs of her pants. Pull them out, stretch out all of the waistlines, then place them back in the dryer. If you can let her think that she’s escaped the bloat this time around, start selling tickets to your own canonization, my friend.
- Stock the cupboards and fridge. The three things every girl needs at this time is carbs, chocolate and guiltlessness. I suggest you keep a hidden stash of all three on hand just to be safe.
- Have a list of things you can do with the kids, OUTSIDE of the house. I don’t care what it is…just, for the sake of everyone, get them out of there as quickly as possible.
There are more than 200 unpleasant symptoms that are part and parcel with PMS. For some, very sweet men, a natural inclination is to want to switch places with your partner when she is suffering. Read this then get back to me on the whole “changing places” bit. Shut up.
Here’s the thing. A woman can smell a lie like a fart in a car. And a woman’s olfactory sense is quadrupled in strength this time of the month. You want to have your lines rehearsed and sounding as close as possible to your natural way of speaking before even attempting any of these. Bounce them off a friend for feedback.
For now, find the closest mirror that is also private, and practice these lines:
- “I don’t know if it’s the lighting or what, but you look stunning right now.”
- “Have you lost weight? We should celebrate your new figure with a tray of brownies.”
- “We were talking about you AGAIN at work today. We all agree, you’re the coolest wife of the bunch.”
- “I’m just running out to the store, do you need anything? I thought maybe, if you don’t mind, we could stockpile some junk food? Like so much that no one would ever notice if an entire party-sized bag of chips or a bag of cookies went missing.”
- “Oh damn, I made a box of Kraft Dinner but the florist just called and your bouquet is ready. I should run. Would you mind?”
- “I was thinking, we really don’t take enough naps. Why don’t you go have one while I take the kids to the grocery store?” (NOTE: Be careful with this one: the nap must be offered alone. There is to be no inference that hanky-panky might be involved. If you go there…you’re on your own, pal.)
Feel free to make up some of your own. Just a quick list of things to avoid:
- Do not grovel.
- Do not imply that anything is wrong.
- When in doubt, bring a chocolate bar as a peace offering.
Practice Having Girl Feelings
Here are some common feelings and tactics that girls have, that could come in very handy for you in this time of need:
Empathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. An example of empathy in action would be to say something like, “Is it just me, or is EVERYONE being unreasonable today?”
Mitigation: the process of becoming milder, gentler, or less severe. In your life, mitigation would be the difference in saying, “Why are you being such a bossy bitch?”, and, “Thanks honey, your direction is so appreciated.” See how that works? Life saver.
Reassurance: to restore to assurance or confidence. Used in a sentence: He reassured her when he said, “Don’t worry about it honey, everyone eats 3 chocolate bars in a row once in a while.”
Just a Couple of Stragglers
I really shouldn’t leave these for last, but I thought I’d do it to reward anyone who read through this whole thing with the true seeds of survival. Pretty much everything else is null and void without these two bits of direction.
- NEVER nag. I don’t care if you have to gnaw through a couch cushion trying to hold your tongue…you DO NOT NAG a woman with PMS.
- Do not, under any circumstances, dare to take it personally. 1) Because it’s not personal, and 2) Because how dare you think you have it worse than me. You will never understand how horrible this is. Gah…I feel like you don’t even try to understand me at all.
I still can not for the life of me, figure any reason that this horror show has to happen at all, let alone every month, but it does. And I guess we just have to deal. But, if you’re lucky enough to be with a guy that read through this entire piece, then maybe you could let him join you on that nap he offered. Post PMS of course. Let’s not be rash.
Hang in there gals. We’ve only had the entire time since the first human was born to figure out a cure for this, I’m sure they just need a little more time.